Where oh where have my little socks gone?

There’s a magical world not too far from ours, where all of the lonely socks go when they’ve just had enough of our bullcrap. We do laundry roughly once or twice a week (if you don’t, you need to learn proper hygiene) and it seems to me at least, that everytime I pull my laundry out of the dryer I’m missing a sock!

I cherish my socks. They have cute designs of dogs, anchors or even Batman on them. I consider myself a sock connoisseur. I try my best to match my socks to the outfit I wear each day, and it really makes me feel fully put together. However, it seems as if at times, when I’m washing my socks, they go full Toy Story mode on me and come to life and run away!

I want to find this cherished land that my socks go to. Where oh where have my little socks gone? Where oh where could they be? I wonder to myself why did they leave me? How could they have decided to just get up and leave!?

It’s an ancient question that our Founding Fathers tried desperately to answer, but ultimately came up with the Articles of Confederation. I remember listening to old war tales from my great grandpa about how he used to fight the washing machine in order to save his innocent socks. It was a great fight, however, he ultimately lost and his socks left him too. This age old struggle between a man and his socks seems to be endless, but I believe I have finally discovered the location of where the missing socks wander off to…

When I was little, I used to have a pet goldfish named Dog (believe it or not, I was considered “gifted” back in the day). Dog and I were the best of friends and had so many fond memories together. I’d be sitting around playing Super Mario Brothers on my Gameboy Color, and he’d be swimming along without a care in the world. It truly was a Hollywood-worthy relationship that I do intend on selling the rights to someday (Ryan Reynolds, this is your chance for the role of a lifetime!).

Anyways, Dog died one day. My mom graciously pulled me aside and told me how my fish had to leave me because he had to go with his fish friends to this magical farm in the sky. This was a place where all the fish could get together and have fun. They all could run around and play all day and have a great time doing so.

As the innocent and naive child I was, I fully believed my mom because she was the most honest woman around! It’s because of her that the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy come every year! But alas, this is where my fish ran off to. It was sad knowing he abandoned me like that, but if he was happy, I was happy.

Now this is where I think the missing socks go. I fully believe that these socks realize how miserable their lives are, constantly being walked all over (pun intended), thrown aside like a damp rag when they’re unwanted, and just treated poorly by their human companions. I think it is when they finally realize their worth, that they run away and go to this magical farm where they can play and have a great time with all of their sock friends.

I like to think that my Batman socks that left me in the wash are out having fun with Dog, my pet fish. But we shall never know.

This article is a tribute to all the missing socks out there. May you find peace, love and happiness on your magical farm.

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